Mexico 86

With football madman George Best AWOL on the eve of sports' biggest occasion, BBC producers need another colourful pundit to fill the ratings void for their Mexico '86 coverage. Far down their list is forgotten ex-England footballer Sam 'Rolls' Royce. Along with being a womanising drunkard who all the tabloids used to fawn over, the only box he ticks is that he's been AWOL in Acapulco for the last decade and they can save themselves a flight.

Out of practice with having a job, or even feeding and clothing himself - never mind appearing in front of 10 million viewers - Royce's football analysis is a drunken car-crash. And it gets worse when he befriends the head of Mexico's largest cartel and has access to the purest cocaine. 

Back in the limelight, all his enemies come out the woodwork but with his far-off-the-script football analysis, the Great British Public fall in love with him all over again.

Royce gets to see FIFA and the cartel's match-fixing and corruption up-close and is offered the world on a platter. He is faced with the choice - to save himself or save The Beautiful Game.